The Way You Are in Relationship is The Way You Are in Life

… Yes, I know that sucks for some of us.

This week I decided to be revealed. I decided to share with my ex all the things I never really told him by reading highlights from my journal from the year we spent together in relationship. I laughed, I cried… I choked on my words. It was tough. Sharing how I really felt on our first date, when he was there at my father’s funeral, or the glory of my wedding daydream with the guy who “chooses to love me, but chooses to not be with me” was gut wrenching. But it was also very freeing and I’d recommended it to anyone out there who wants a weight lifted or just wants to find out if you will really die when your emotions tell you so and your logic disagrees.

To be honest, I’m quite sure no conscious part of me wanted to be that open, but that’s why I did it. When I changed my perspective, I could see that it was impossible for this “performance” to make things worse, but there was room for improvement. And I was right; we’re a lot closer now and better friends for it. However, I was so terrified of the event that after planning it, I procrastinated and didn’t even show up to my own apartment at the designated time. Of course I had a decent excuse, but it was still just an excuse. While reading, I shuffled my feet, slouched my posture, avoided eye contact, and wanted to skip over passages. I constantly had to tell myself, “Kay, you don’t want to say that part out loud… that means you’re saying it.” And the more I read, the more I connected to what I was doing and why and the easier it became. It actually started to feel great that I was releasing all of it and I felt secure in who I am. I didn’t get back harsh criticism or rejection, which is what had me most afraid of truly being myself, and I learned a lot about myself and him in the process.

As it turns out, I do this in lots of places in my life. Surprise! (Ok, not really.) The things I want most or the things nearest and dearest to me are where I disconnect to avoid that potential rejection. Unfortunately, this means I’m also avoiding potential fulfillment (success). Relationships (platonic and romantic) are an obvious domain where this shows up, but it happens with career and personal goals just the same.

To be honest, things have always come fairly easily for me. I excelled as a student without effort until I graduated high school. By high school, I had found a rhythm for how to be generally accepted by teachers and peers, in how I showed up but it wasn’t really me. I am great at putting in enough effort to stand just above the pack or be in the pack, but when it comes to full-out non-comparative giving my 100%, 100% of the time, I’ve recoiled. Striving for something and finding out that I suck is my greatest fear. This is evident in the pace at which I’ve been writing my novel and how willing I’ve been to commit to projects with my talent show fundraiser. As I look back over my job history, this has shown up and I’m ashamed, but I refuse to do that again.

After Labor Day, I’m starting a new job! I’ll be a freelance Account Planner Assistant at a really great firm for at least a month and I’m incredibly excited about the opportunity! This is evidence that someone who has excelled in this field thinks that I can excel as well. And I’m at that crossroads again – do I barrel down the path towards what I want with no reservations and freely give 100%? Or do I baby step my way into hoping to try to not let down the company/my boss(es) and more importantly, myself?

If I learned anything this week, I learned that it has to be the former and a warm up period for my procrastination should not be tolerated. Yes, I have lots of upcoming projects this week – shooting a Kickstarter campaign, finding a location for the talent show, catching up on my writing, working my retail job, and being the connected, powerful, loving woman I’m committed to being every day – but I will be the most committed freelance Account Planner Assistant my new colleagues have ever seen.

Moving Past Quantitive Career Research

Informational Interviews

This is a low risk, high gain proposition – so if you’re looking to change careers and you haven’t done this, shame on you – there’s really no excuse. You can cold call, email, tweet, or linked in your way to finding someone willing to talk about themselves for your benefit. Or you can seek out a friend of a friend of an acquaintance. Having a direct human connection trail worked best for me.

I learned more than I thought I could in 30 minutes at every interview I’ve had because I learned people’s energy. It does more than reading a blog or researching all the statistics that books and the internet can provide. You’re connecting with someone who has done what you want and finding out that you are wholly different from that person or that you have the same spark is invaluable.

Ok so let’s get to the tangible things I’ve learned:

This blog! I was given the idea to create this blog at an interview. Incredibly valuable advice that I am wildly grateful for. In tracking all of the things I’m learning while creating a brand for myself, people will know who I am before I walk into my next interview if they read this. Who I really am; not my “wow, traffic sucked”, “am I wearing appropriate clothes?”, “does she like me?” in-my-head, self that often appears in the first 5 minutes of an interview. So thank you, thank you, and thank you.

Also, I should go to Miami Ad School – Account Planning Boot Camp. Putting my money and effort where my mouth is will not only show up well in an interview, but will sharpen and hone in on a particular skill set. Planning departments don’t have a structure that allows for much on the job training. However, it’s really about the portfolio. It’s saying here’s an example of exactly what you want to know if I can do. Taking a few online classes in planning, strategy, and brand writing then creating my own portfolio will show commitment and potentially take less time and money than relocating for 3 months. The initiative to teach myself a specialized skill is exactly what hiring managers are seeking. Of course, I’m still applying to Boot Camp as a backup.

As expected, I learned about specific job descriptions, company culture, career tracks, where to mingle, and what blogs to read. But I also picked up a lot of little nuggets that I know I never would have known if I hadn’t talked with these specific people when I did.

1. Bug them. If you already have his/her ear, bend it and ask everything you really want to know. This is not a time to validate everything you already know about a company or position. This is digging in deeply to what you don’t want to know about the job you have been salivating over. Screw diplomacy, ask about what they don’t like about the job. You won’t offend them, you’ll probably just find out that the pros outweigh the cons for them and be better prepared to make that determination for yourself.

2. Ask them to walk you through a typical day working. Notice when they gloss over or what they skim through. Do they give you precise details? Do they smile at certain times? Ask yourself if those subtle responses are the ones you would like to have when you have the job and someone asks you the same question. Are you as analytical as this person? as free-spirited? Did the parts they smiled about make you cringe? Remember: if you buy someone’s opinion, you buy her lifestyle.

At the same time, be able to accept truth and feedback no matter who it comes from. If you interview with someone you absolutely don’t want to be, you’ll still be able to gain a wealth of useful information. In knowing yourself, you’ll know what advice to take and what advice you should tweak before implementing in your own life. No matter who it is, if someone has taken time to talk to you, they can add value and you can add value to them.

3. Ask them what they would have wanted to know when they were in your position. It’s a great open-ended question that still has them talking about themselves, but makes it relevant to you. They may say “Things have changed drastically since I began my career.” or “I’ve never been in your position.” It means they do not identify with you and something is off about your focus to be where they are. Trust me, that is very valuable information to have because now you have honest feedback and the opportunity to do something about it.  It stings, but is very helpful. Other advice I’ve gotten is to do something that I love to the best of my ability and that everything else will work out. Worrying and stressing is unnecessary. Most people when asked this question affirm that I should keep seeking information and just keep pushing forward and then give tips on networking, where to find information, or who to talk to next. This is when I know I’m on the right path… I just need to pick up the pace.

Perspicacity

[pur-spi-kas-i-tee]

noun

1. keenness of mental perception and understanding; discernment; penetration.

2. acuteness of perception, discernment, or understanding.

 

This was almost the title of my new blog. It’s a word that embodies all the ways in which I like to see myself. I’m a constant observer and I like to plan out the best course and know every intricate detail and potential obstacle before taking the first step. (It’s why I want to be a Strategist/Planner!) However, I’ve learned that concentrating on the best plan without taking action or risking to see if a plan succeeds or fails automatically sends you over to the fail column. I’ve spent so much time on being analytical that I’ve missed out on lots of experiential learning in life, so my best laid plans have been missing a certain prowess. Trial is an essential piece of every plan.

This blog is all about filling in that blank with whatever it takes and trying new things to really go after all of my goals. To foresee an opportunity, to be prepared for it when it arrives, and to have the willingness to chase it down and fight for it if it escapes me.

So welcome to my life in the question.