My Unconquerable Soul

Today marks the 3rd anniversary of the sudden passing of my father. I woke up in a dreary state, ready to read a prayer for the departed when his favorite hymn popped in my head. It’s called “It Is Well (With My Soul)” and I’m sure some of you know it. But bear with me as I tell the story of its origin again.

The songwriter, Horatio Spafford, was a real life Job. He lost his son to Scarlet Fever, then his business and real estate investments in the Chicago Fire of 1871. So he sent his remaining family – his wife and 4 daughters – ahead to Europe to start over. The ship sank and Spafford received a telegram from his wife stating “Saved alone”. All 4 daughters were lost at sea. On Spafford’s journey to join his wife, he pinned these words as he sailed past the site at which his daughters had lost their lives:

“When peace like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrow, like sea billows, roll
Whatever my lot, thou have taught me to know
It is well, it is well with my soul.”

My Version of It Is Well

Powerful Stuff! As a kid, I used to wonder why something so tragic created such a beautiful sentiment. I used to wonder why my Dad loved such stuffy melancholy.

His favorite poem was “Invictus” by William Ernest Henley (They even bore the same initials).

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Thanks, Dad, for teaching me how to overcome insurmountable adversity. You let me know that hard times would come. More importantly, every ounce of you embodied the most upbeat outlook on life and humanity I’ve ever known. Everyone who crossed your path felt that love (even if you never called it that). They all felt like they were worth something just from meeting you. What a gift you gave us all. We have unconquerable souls.

 

The Way You Are in Relationship is The Way You Are in Life

… Yes, I know that sucks for some of us.

This week I decided to be revealed. I decided to share with my ex all the things I never really told him by reading highlights from my journal from the year we spent together in relationship. I laughed, I cried… I choked on my words. It was tough. Sharing how I really felt on our first date, when he was there at my father’s funeral, or the glory of my wedding daydream with the guy who “chooses to love me, but chooses to not be with me” was gut wrenching. But it was also very freeing and I’d recommended it to anyone out there who wants a weight lifted or just wants to find out if you will really die when your emotions tell you so and your logic disagrees.

To be honest, I’m quite sure no conscious part of me wanted to be that open, but that’s why I did it. When I changed my perspective, I could see that it was impossible for this “performance” to make things worse, but there was room for improvement. And I was right; we’re a lot closer now and better friends for it. However, I was so terrified of the event that after planning it, I procrastinated and didn’t even show up to my own apartment at the designated time. Of course I had a decent excuse, but it was still just an excuse. While reading, I shuffled my feet, slouched my posture, avoided eye contact, and wanted to skip over passages. I constantly had to tell myself, “Kay, you don’t want to say that part out loud… that means you’re saying it.” And the more I read, the more I connected to what I was doing and why and the easier it became. It actually started to feel great that I was releasing all of it and I felt secure in who I am. I didn’t get back harsh criticism or rejection, which is what had me most afraid of truly being myself, and I learned a lot about myself and him in the process.

As it turns out, I do this in lots of places in my life. Surprise! (Ok, not really.) The things I want most or the things nearest and dearest to me are where I disconnect to avoid that potential rejection. Unfortunately, this means I’m also avoiding potential fulfillment (success). Relationships (platonic and romantic) are an obvious domain where this shows up, but it happens with career and personal goals just the same.

To be honest, things have always come fairly easily for me. I excelled as a student without effort until I graduated high school. By high school, I had found a rhythm for how to be generally accepted by teachers and peers, in how I showed up but it wasn’t really me. I am great at putting in enough effort to stand just above the pack or be in the pack, but when it comes to full-out non-comparative giving my 100%, 100% of the time, I’ve recoiled. Striving for something and finding out that I suck is my greatest fear. This is evident in the pace at which I’ve been writing my novel and how willing I’ve been to commit to projects with my talent show fundraiser. As I look back over my job history, this has shown up and I’m ashamed, but I refuse to do that again.

After Labor Day, I’m starting a new job! I’ll be a freelance Account Planner Assistant at a really great firm for at least a month and I’m incredibly excited about the opportunity! This is evidence that someone who has excelled in this field thinks that I can excel as well. And I’m at that crossroads again – do I barrel down the path towards what I want with no reservations and freely give 100%? Or do I baby step my way into hoping to try to not let down the company/my boss(es) and more importantly, myself?

If I learned anything this week, I learned that it has to be the former and a warm up period for my procrastination should not be tolerated. Yes, I have lots of upcoming projects this week – shooting a Kickstarter campaign, finding a location for the talent show, catching up on my writing, working my retail job, and being the connected, powerful, loving woman I’m committed to being every day – but I will be the most committed freelance Account Planner Assistant my new colleagues have ever seen.